Fears - what I am REALLY scared of - part 1 Money

OK here is the thing. I am the main breadwinner in our house.

My husband is an amazing man. He is a professional. He is excellent at his job. He LOVES his job.

But in his profession (design) he has a lower salary than I do (in IT).

On current salaries, we couldn't live where we live (outer London) on one salary and we certainly coudn't manage on just his salary.

I wish more than anything that we could swap salaries. He really deserves to get more.

So, that is the state of affairs with just the two of us and my step-daughter, we already need two salaries.

So, I find myself wondering, and worrying, what happens when we get pregnant? We are on this journey to have children. We are having touble and I am scared shitless about what we do about money if it acutally happens.

There is no answer except 'we will find a way'. I know that.

What do other women breadwinners do I wonder? Do they, like me, wish they had the choice to work or not to work rather than knowing you will have to work like it or not?

Test, testing, one two, one two

So after this batch of tests there is nothing so far that suggests we absolutely shouldn't be able to get pregnant. My DH has lovely sperm BUT I have a few little issues and have to have some treatment and more tests.

Further tests for possible Endometriosis.

- I don't have obvious symptoms, but you can have it mild with lots of pain and severe with no pain. It might impact fertility if I have it. The way it can impact fertility is complex but the adhesions can make it hard for the egg to travel down the fallopian tube because it can make the fallopian tube less flexible (as I understand it).

Treatment for a uterine Polyp.

- I have one 'like a mushroom' and my little mushroom (I wonder if it is magic or not) might be affecting fertility. I think it can stop implantation.

Further tests to determine what is up with the shape of my uterus.

- I have something between an Arcuate Uterus and a Bi-Cornuate Uterus. This is something that is congenital - basically when you are developing in the womb your own womb develops in two halfs and then fuses together. In a small number of people (really small) this never happens so you have two of everything. That is one extreme. Sometimes it doesn't quite fuse together all the way.


A 'normal' uterus is like an upside down pear. An Arcuate uterus is more like a heart. A Bi-Cornuate Uterus as more of a protusion coming down from the middle of the heart. Quite complicated but basically if it is Arcuate only that shouldn't be a problem. If it is Arcuate with a little 'strip' coming down from the middle of the heart then that can affect implantation because if the fertilized egg tries to implant on the strip there isn't enough blood supply so you get more risk of early miscarriage. If it is Bi-Cornuate then it is normally OK to implant because the bit protruding is wide enough to have a good blood supply but there tend to be more complications with miscarriage after 1st trimester and early term labour and things like breach delivery so increased c-sections.

Here is a good explanation and a link to a support group http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/07/diagnosis-uterine-anomalies.html

Other tests that came back OK:

* my hormones are doing just enough of the the right thing. I had blood tests for FSH and LH on day 3 and Progesterone day 21. My 3 day 3 FSH tests came back as 14, 9, 9 so whilst 14 is not fab the latest two are below 10 which is OK (needs to be below ten for IVF). Progresterone is high enough to indicate ovulation on the cycles tested

* my follicals look like they are working, based on the transvaginal ultrasound scans

* I am free from infection, they swabbed for baterial and other nasties including chlamydia

* My fallopian tubes are not blocked, as shown by the Hysterosalpingogram (HSG)

* My ovaries look normal

* My DH's sperm passed with flying colours: 3 ml of sperm with 120 million sperm per mil (above 20 million is good), 60% motility (40% is good), good progression and 45% morphology (40%) is good.

So, we left with the following:

Been put on the IVF waiting list. We get one free cycle on the NHS. We are allowed to have 2 private sessions while we are waiting (if we can afford it) and still qualify for the 1 free.

The IVF waiting list is 2.5 years. Gulp. I will be 38-39 by the time we even get to try the first one. Think we need to work out how to fund 2 private IVF's.

IVF in the UK is about £3500 - about 7000 USD per cycle.

Whilst we are on the waiting list for IVF I get to go into hospital for two procedures in one. I should get the appointment within the next 4 months and I need the treatment before I would be considered for IVF or IUI. I will need to wait a couple of months after the treatment before having IVF or IUI.

I will have a a Laparoscopy and a Hysteroscopy & Endometrial Biopsy (what used to be a D&C) under a general.

The Laparoscopy will check the outside of my womb for Endometriosis and hopefully let them treat it, they burn the tissue off.

The Hysteroscopy will check the inside of my womb and be a chance to remove my mushroom (polyp) so it is out the way and they will then biopsy it to check it is benign.

The Hysteroscopy will also get them in to have a good look my uterus to see what shape it is - arcuate or bi-cornuate and let them determine if there is any 'corrective' surgery that can be done. I will need another operation to do this if needed.

So. The plan for the next 4 months until the op is to shag as much as possible with my husbands 'super sperm'. I will buy a bulk load of my favoriate 'pee sticks' a.k.a. ovulation predictors just to double check that we are hitting the right dates.

You never know. We might just make it happen ourselves. If not we have 4 months to wait until we know a bit more.

Oh..... and to shag is a UK term for have sex ;-) just in case you were thinking we were going to try and get pregnant by making shag pile carpets!

Onward and upward.

Those days again

I got my period yesterday.

Despite all the tests during January I had let myself hope that this time we might do it.

Wouldn't that have been ironic. Do all the tests and get pregnant before you see the consultant.

Well. It didn't happen.

Period pain all last night kept me awake.

I don't feel the deep sadness I have felt in other months. No tears. No desperation. I do feel more balanced and positive as a result of the therapy.

We have next week to 'look forward' to, when we get the results of all the tests.

My DH thinks it will happen "when it is right to happen". All very well for him to be so relaxed about it. He won't run out of sperm and he already has a child.....

(Now, before any one says anything, I know that is a mean thing to say about my DH. I am allowed to be mean, no-one else is. He is a wonderful wonderful man. He wan't ready to have a child in his previous relationship. It happened. He stayed to try and do the right thing. He isn't with the mother anymore and he is still doing the right thing. His daughter is a lovely child and I have grown to love her. All this I know to be true. It still doesn't stop me sometimes thinking and feeling that this journey is fundamentally different for him. I think this even though I know that he doesn't have children with me.)

The blood deli

Went into hospital today for the last in my current round of tests.

A quick summary of tests so far:

2007
blood tests - 2 X day 3 for FSH and 1 X day 21 for Progesterone.
STD tests for clamidia etc.
My DH had a sperm test which said things were 'normal'

All good except that the first blood test for FSH showed 14 'a little high' and the doctor mentioned something about it being potentially a poor ovarian reserve. Nice! I had accupuncture 3 x a month from Feb to Dec and another day 3 blood test mid year which showed my FSH as 9. So it had lowered but I don't know if that was because of the accupuncture or not.

2008
blood test - 1 X day 3 for FSH
Internal vaginal ultrasound 'TV' - about day 8
Hysterosalpingogram and more pictures taken with the 'TV' - about day 15
blood test - 1 X day 20 (they don't take blood on the weekend!) for Progresterone
DH did another sperm test

All the 2008 tests are being done at Queen Mary's Roehampton, near Richmond Park. The blood tests/work is done with a system much like a supermarket deli counter. You go in, no appointments necessary, take a ticket with a number on it from a machine on the wall then wait your turn. There were 35 people in front of me today. They have two nurses taking blood in a side room. They leave the door open and there is a constant flow of people going in and out. Not quite as satisfying as buying a nice piece of Jamon Iberico and Manchego cheese I must say!

I don't have the formal results for these 2008 tests yet. We have an appointment on Feb 13. At the 'TV' the lady said she saw something which looked like a fibroid but it wasn't in a 'bad' place. Off to the side, not where near the cervix or ovaries and not 'hanging' around in the uterus itself.

I have to say although I know that fibroids are quite common it did make me feel odd knowing I had something inside me. My Mum had very bad fibroids. I can remember my sister and I as teenages having to call an ambulence for her in the middle of the night. She ended up having to have a hysterectamy.

The hysterosalpingogram - the one where they put a speculum inside and squirt dye in through your cervix to full your uterus and fallopian tubes - was not as painful as I thought it was going to be. I had read a number of posts which said it hurt a great deal. I felt cramps like mild period pain. I took two panadol (like advil) first. No pain afterwards.

One interesting thing, the speculum part hurt a lot, like it always does for me when I have a smear / pap done. The doctor noticed me wince and said 'I will try a longer speculum that will help', she did and I swear I didn't feel a thing. She told me to ask for a long speculum at future smear/pap tests. That will make a world of difference to me. I always hate those things.

So, we enter yet another two week wait. This time not from ovulation to possible period/possibly pregnant. This time it is a wait to see if the tests revealed anything.

I am quite looking forward to the appointment. One step along and at least we are in the system and being seen.

Therapy

We went to see our support therapist last night at the hospital.

This is interesting on many levels.....

You see, living in the UK, going to a therapist is not something we talk about. Oh no, we don't really 'do' emotions.

It is so 'not something we talk about' that the hospital we have been referred to for all our tests about baby making didn't even tell me that a therapist was available or that we could get 6 50 min sessions free.

This is very odd. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that the NHS (National Health Service), into which I have been paying all my adult life and never used until now, is available to us. I am very aware that in other countries there is no financial support for infertility.

But, they have a service....they know that the people coming in for infertility tests and treatment are likely to be a bit screwed up already by the whole experience.....and they don't tell you about their therapist?

So, I found out because I found a free guide on the HFEA website (http://www.hfea.gov.uk/) which when sent to me was actually more like a magazine. That made me laugh. No more Cosmo or anything for me, no the HFEA guide to infertility is my magazine.

Anyway.....

The magazine told me that, in the UK, the treatment centers should provide therapy so I called and made an appointment. I was having a low day. It was just on or after I got my period that month. Those very dark days. I didn't really want to send my few good friends mad by dribbling misery down the phone at them so I thought I would throw it all at a therapist.

We have been for two sessions now. We because it includes partners. My husband isn't sceptical about therapy but he does ask a LOT of questions and I think she thinks he is a nutter.

The first session was a getting to know you session. The set up in the room is very odd. You sit facing her like in an interview but without a table. You are a long way from her. Not sure why that should be. There is a box of tissues in between your chairs. I thought I wouldn't need them (I used one).

I told her how I felt on the period days like I could just crawl back under the duvet and she nearly handed me pills right there and then. Asked me if I was suicidal. I am really not that low so that was an interesting reaction. I don't want to take drugs unless it is really necessary.

The second session we got more into it. It being 'how do you feel' and how to be on less of a rollarcoaster. You know the rollarcoaster.....

period - oh so very low and grief striken, empty, hollow, desperate
post period, pre ovulation - numb with a small flicker of hope
around ovulation - full of optimism
post ovulation before period the fantastic two week wait - optimistic, afraid, fatalistic

Do I want to be on less of a rollarcoaster she asked. Yes please I said.

So her answer was to try and focus on the 'potential' we have to have a baby one day, this year maybe, rather than this month.

She also suggested that if I ever had a negative thought like 'I am never going to get pregnant' I condition myself to follow it up with a positive thought like 'well maybe not this month but maybe this year'.

She also talked about possible physiological impacts of negative thoughts. She had us close our eyes and imagine something that we were very afraid of. Really think about it closely and then recognise how our bodies were responding - heart rate, sweaty palms, shallow breathing, tension in your muscles. Her point was that your thoughts can impact your body...and maybe, just maybe, this was having some influence.

Good job she didn't just say 'relax' like some people say. You woudn't tell a depressed person to 'just be happy' so it drives me nuts when people tell ttc people to 'just relax' and it will happen.

I don't care if there is something in it.

It is virtually impossible to relax when you are:

* monitoring your temperature
* monitoring your ovulation through 'pee sticks' and your delightful cervical mucus
* having blood tests/work done
* having accupuncture on certain days of your cycle to try and balance your system
* making sure you take folic acid, don't smoke, don't drink too much 'just in case'

And yet, if you do none of the above you might miss your fertile days.

So, back to therapy. It is helping.

It gives us a neutral place to talk about it together. We then don't have it surface as much at home so that the emotion is more manageable.

I also think that just being in the system having tests is helping because it is to an extent out of my control now. I am being forced to let go a little.

This feeling may fade. I am realistic. I have read some amazing blogs by amazing women who have been through so much more than me, but right now I am calmer than I have been in 18 months.

OK just one then

I would settle for one.......

For now......

Settling is something new to me.

I used to be told by my Mum 'you will have twins'.

To give her credit, this was not just a wild asertion based on no fact. I do have twins in my Dad's family (would have been my uncles or aunts) and my DH is an identical twin.

So I suppose, by osmosis, this idea has over the years become something of a 'fact' for me.

I always carried the idea around with me that I will, when I know it is right to bring children into this world in a loving relationship when we can afford to put a roof over their heads, have twins.

Inevitable.

Yeah, right.

'Settling' is something new to me and I am not sure I have the hang of it yet. Settle for one, maybe, settle for none? I am not ready to do that.

Two too to

I want to add two babies, two children, our children.

I want to add to my family too, like I see others doing.

Not being able to do this (so far) is torture, and I do not use the word lightly, because it appears to be out of my personal control.

I have always been of the mind that you want to do something, you apply yourself, you should be able to do it.

This journey, the journey of trying to have a child, is very different.