Therapy

We went to see our support therapist last night at the hospital.

This is interesting on many levels.....

You see, living in the UK, going to a therapist is not something we talk about. Oh no, we don't really 'do' emotions.

It is so 'not something we talk about' that the hospital we have been referred to for all our tests about baby making didn't even tell me that a therapist was available or that we could get 6 50 min sessions free.

This is very odd. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that the NHS (National Health Service), into which I have been paying all my adult life and never used until now, is available to us. I am very aware that in other countries there is no financial support for infertility.

But, they have a service....they know that the people coming in for infertility tests and treatment are likely to be a bit screwed up already by the whole experience.....and they don't tell you about their therapist?

So, I found out because I found a free guide on the HFEA website (http://www.hfea.gov.uk/) which when sent to me was actually more like a magazine. That made me laugh. No more Cosmo or anything for me, no the HFEA guide to infertility is my magazine.

Anyway.....

The magazine told me that, in the UK, the treatment centers should provide therapy so I called and made an appointment. I was having a low day. It was just on or after I got my period that month. Those very dark days. I didn't really want to send my few good friends mad by dribbling misery down the phone at them so I thought I would throw it all at a therapist.

We have been for two sessions now. We because it includes partners. My husband isn't sceptical about therapy but he does ask a LOT of questions and I think she thinks he is a nutter.

The first session was a getting to know you session. The set up in the room is very odd. You sit facing her like in an interview but without a table. You are a long way from her. Not sure why that should be. There is a box of tissues in between your chairs. I thought I wouldn't need them (I used one).

I told her how I felt on the period days like I could just crawl back under the duvet and she nearly handed me pills right there and then. Asked me if I was suicidal. I am really not that low so that was an interesting reaction. I don't want to take drugs unless it is really necessary.

The second session we got more into it. It being 'how do you feel' and how to be on less of a rollarcoaster. You know the rollarcoaster.....

period - oh so very low and grief striken, empty, hollow, desperate
post period, pre ovulation - numb with a small flicker of hope
around ovulation - full of optimism
post ovulation before period the fantastic two week wait - optimistic, afraid, fatalistic

Do I want to be on less of a rollarcoaster she asked. Yes please I said.

So her answer was to try and focus on the 'potential' we have to have a baby one day, this year maybe, rather than this month.

She also suggested that if I ever had a negative thought like 'I am never going to get pregnant' I condition myself to follow it up with a positive thought like 'well maybe not this month but maybe this year'.

She also talked about possible physiological impacts of negative thoughts. She had us close our eyes and imagine something that we were very afraid of. Really think about it closely and then recognise how our bodies were responding - heart rate, sweaty palms, shallow breathing, tension in your muscles. Her point was that your thoughts can impact your body...and maybe, just maybe, this was having some influence.

Good job she didn't just say 'relax' like some people say. You woudn't tell a depressed person to 'just be happy' so it drives me nuts when people tell ttc people to 'just relax' and it will happen.

I don't care if there is something in it.

It is virtually impossible to relax when you are:

* monitoring your temperature
* monitoring your ovulation through 'pee sticks' and your delightful cervical mucus
* having blood tests/work done
* having accupuncture on certain days of your cycle to try and balance your system
* making sure you take folic acid, don't smoke, don't drink too much 'just in case'

And yet, if you do none of the above you might miss your fertile days.

So, back to therapy. It is helping.

It gives us a neutral place to talk about it together. We then don't have it surface as much at home so that the emotion is more manageable.

I also think that just being in the system having tests is helping because it is to an extent out of my control now. I am being forced to let go a little.

This feeling may fade. I am realistic. I have read some amazing blogs by amazing women who have been through so much more than me, but right now I am calmer than I have been in 18 months.